Coping with Scanxiety
Regular scans are a fact of life for anyone diagnosed with a brain tumour. And, as anyone living with a brain tumour knows, “scanxiety” – fear and anxiety about being in the scanner, and then while waiting for results – can very often follow.
Musician Alastair Cross, from Vancouver, found a unique way to cope with his scans – by using the sounds and rhythms of the MRI machine to inspire his music.
Alastair’s Story
Alastair was diagnosed with a brain tumour – a Grade 2 astrocytoma – in 2018, after having odd visual disturbances and intense headaches, which were initially put down to stress by his GP. Eventually, he was referred for an MRI, mostly, he thinks, because his sister had been diagnosed with a brain tumour five years earlier. Coming so soon after his sister’s, his own diagnosis was understandably a shock.
Alastair said: “The analogy I sometimes use is that if my life was a carriage on a train, I felt at the time that I somehow got shunted onto a parallel track heading over a cliff, and I could only watch as the rest of the world, on the other carriages, continues on the original track to their future.”
MRIs and music
I have created a unique and deeply personal body of work using the sounds from my regular MRI scans, transforming them into music that tells a story of resilience, hope, and empowerment.” Alastair
Alastair is no stranger to the uneasiness scans can provoke. So how did they become a source of inspiration for his music?
He explained: “The scans themselves are fine, but I admit there is always an element of nervousness about the conversation I have after the scans with my oncologist.
“I’ve been playing music since I was a kid and lying in the machine I often found myself drifting off to the rhythm of the different phases. I could imagine other instruments weaving in and out of the pattern the MRI machine was making, and thought it would be cool to record them and see if I could create something musical from those sounds.”
The resulting compositions – entitled “Brain Tuners” – can be found here:
“Music of resilience, hope, and empowerment.”
“In terms of the style of music – it’s very personal and I’m treating it as a bit of a sandbox for my own creativity. It helps in a way to have some constraints in place. In this case, each track must contain some element of the MRI sound in some form which gives it some boundaries while still allowing for lots of creative freedom.
“The project has helped me remember that there is a purpose to all of this, even if it’s a small thing like bringing relief and joy to other people from the music I make.”
Alastair hopes to use this music to “inspire and uplift others facing similar health challenges, fostering a sense of connection and strength during difficult times.” The project has also helped him manage his own “scanxiety”:
“I can’t pretend it’s not something that worries or concerns me from time to time, but I feel empowered around my ability to cope with the negative thoughts and any steps I may need to take going forward.”
Looking to the future
“Honestly, today I am so grateful for this whole experience. I have shifted my entire outlook on life, on what’s important, and prioritised my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing to the point that I don’t recognise who I am today compared to who I was when I was diagnosed.
“My family and friends have been immensely supportive (helped in no small part to the fact that my sister went through the same treatment, so we had some experience and knew what to expect). My work as well was very understanding and allowed me plenty of time to recover after the surgery I had. I couldn’t have done it without all that support.
“Going forward, I would love to continue to make music, to collaborate with anyone who is interested. Early on in this project I had the idea of one day working with children who have cancer by recording their MRIs and working with them to create their own music. I think that could be fun and a powerful way to help them reframe what an MRI represents and give them a sense of agency over their own trajectory with this disease. It would be cool to collaborate with high profile artists/musicians to bring the message to wider audiences.”
Listen to Brain Tuners
Listen to some of Alastair’s compositions here: