“We will never get over the loss of Eva, but we have found a way to look forward”
Words by Emma, Eva’s mum
3rd May 2011 – 7th April 2017
Aged 5
The only advice I can give to any other bereaved parent is ‘be kind to yourself!’ Grief is such an individual journey.
Our 5 year old daughter Eva died from DIPG on 7th April 2017. In the early days I didn’t think I could survive. The pain is physical, all consuming, and so incredibly intense. It took all my energy and strength just to make it through each day. We had two other children who do desperately needed us, aged just 8 and 3 at the time. Seeing their sadness and not knowing how to help and protect them intensified our own heartbreak even more.
The first year is a blur …. I swung from being completely robotic, and feeling numb, to being so angry at the world. How could our beautiful, perfect daughter die in our arms.
I didn’t know who I was anymore. Losing Eva had changed everything – how I saw the world, our family unit, family holidays, how people treat us….everything.
One of the hardest things I found was other people’s reactions. You are now, and always will be, the people whose child has died. Their worst nightmare. But their lives carry on around you. Friends and family desperately want to help. Partly because your grief is very uncomfortable for others, and also because they want the ‘old’ you back. Birthday invitations, Christmas celebrations, offers of nights out…. These are all coming from a good place. I just wanted to scream at people ‘my child has died!’ – how can I do anything ‘normal’ ever again. I didn’t, and still don’t, feel like I belonged anymore.
It’s now 7 years since Eva died. There is, and always will be, an Eva shaped hole in our family. Our other two children, aged 15 and 9, are happy, healthy and thriving. They have experienced more heartbreak though than most families ever will. I have learnt that happiness and sadness can co-exist. I still have dark days where it feels the waves are suffocating me, and I’m desperately trying to come up for air. But most of the time now I’m treading water….the big waves come less often. I can live a ‘normal’ life now and go to work, exercise, socialise….but I also know that sometimes I have to say no to things because the sadness is too much that day.
Words by Dean, Eva’s dad
I guess mother’s and father’s share the majority of their grief in the same way and everything Emma said resonates strongly with me. Where it might differ is in how we process it and the support structure around us. Personally, I was very lucky and had friends and family that absorbed the brunt of my anger.
Throughout the year Eva was fighting, and after her death, I found it extremely hard to work. I had no choice, of course, and had to put the mask on and continue as if my whole world hadn’t just been utterly, and forever, destroyed.
Even today, seven years later, I still wear the same mask. The anger is gone today, though, and replaced with a strong feeling of love and a deep feeling of connection with the daughter we lost. I still have to weather the bad days. I’ve had some extremely hard times, and have gone down many wrong turns, but I keep trying, for her, for my other kids…
I don’t know if this is good advice, but it helps me to think of it in these terms. We are not on this Earth for a good time, and it isn’t our god given right to be happy. Rather, we are here to endure and beat whatever life throws at us. We must suffer through it and become stronger for it, and ultimately find peace in it. With that mindset, for me these practical steps also help.
Tips on coping with bereavement from Dean
1. Speaking to a professional didn’t work for me personally, but I understand it does for some people. Especially if they have no one else they can talk to about the intense feelings of pain, anger, loss etc.
2. Do something physical. In the same way we are on the Earth to endure. Seek out challenges to endure – run an ultra marathon, do an ironman. Whatever it is, make it something you never thought possible. You can beat it. In the same way, you can overcome the negative emotions of grief. and maybe, just maybe, turn them into a positive. Perhaps even helping others along the way.
3. DO NOT, under any circumstances, go to the bottle or self medicate. I can not stress this enough. It may give you short term relief, but it will cause chaos and long term destruction to you and those around you.
We will never get over the loss of Eva, but we have found a way to look forward.
Thank you to Emma and Dean for sharing Eva’s story with us.
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